And I can't remember why, but it felt like I had found home

I decided that I needed to write one more blog post to wrap up the last four months. It's still insane to me that I'm at the point where I'm wrapping up this entire experience, but it is what it is. There always comes a point when you blog where you either get sick of it, get too busy, or find yourself lessening your experience because you feel the need to share it with everyone. Mine was definitely the latter, but I still feel like having one more post is necessary.

I left Joburg last Friday after what seemed like days of constant tears on my part. My last weekend was luckily a very long 5-day weekend, so I was able to spend a lot of quality time with the people I had become so close with. On Thursday, my wonderful friend Prudence organized a going away dinner at my favorite restaurant (I say favorite for the following reasons: 1.) they give you bread before your meal 2.) they have great desserts 3.) they have an hour of free wifi) and 15 of my closest friends had all shown up to say goodbye. It was a really difficult night to get through and every now and then I would randomly start crying because I just didn't want to think about it. They made me this amazing photo book with pictures of them all with me and a note to go along with it. It's probably the best present I've ever received. When the time came to start saying actual goodbyes, I was a complete mess. At one point, I was standing outside by myself crying like a crazy person when Shannon saw me and came out with Curtis and Dillon to make sure I was okay. It was so great to feel that support and know that they were going to help me through it all. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through these four months without Shannon, but that's a completely different story. It was such a nice night and a perfect way to say goodbye to everyone. And then the next day Shannon, Prudence, and Bronwynn took me to the Gautrain for me to get to the airport. I adore those ladies and I was so glad they were the ones to take me.

I know it may seem a little childish to have been so upset about leaving, but something happened that I wasn't expecting while I was in Joburg. I saw it as my home and as a place where I could have a really great life. So having to say goodbye to somewhere I had realized I could truly live and would be happy was really difficult. We talk a lot in social work classes about the idea of "termination" with our clients and jobs. We all know the right ways to end relationships with our clients and how to walk away from jobs to go onto another one. But we've never discussed the idea of letting go of a life you never knew you wanted. Saying goodbye to Joburg and all of my amazing friends was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I know that my time in Joburg isn't finished and that I will eventually end up back there. Maybe it'll just be to visit, or maybe it'll be to continue that life I had managed to start. Who knows? But I do know that it definitely isn't over.

 After leaving SA on Friday, I headed straight to Tanzania which is where I lived four years ago. I hadn't been back since I left four years ago, so I knew that I needed to come back. After two planes and a very, very uncomfortable 8 1/2 hour bus ride, I made it back to Tabora. I've managed to see so many of the kids I worked with and have seen how much they've grown up. Unfortunately, I've already managed to get malaria, so I've been a little sleepy the last couple of days. But I'll be here until Sunday and then on Monday I go to Zanzibar for a few days. Zanzibar is the perfect place to relax and reflect and I feel like I'm really going to need that before heading back to Boston in 9 days.

 It's been a surreal four months, but I feel like I have grown so much because of everything I have been able to do. The work I did changed me and helped me realize exactly what it is I want to do. And the people I met have helped me become ready for the next stage of my life. In the words of the always poignant Adele, "Oh, the people I've met are the wonders of my world." I couldn't have asked for a better experience and I know there's no way I could have had a better experience. Love love love.

Blessed to be a Witness

Three years ago today, Elizabeti passed away. I would definitely say it’s been the most defining moment in my life thus far. Forming a relationship with her, sponsoring her to go to private school, and then losing her seven months later was too much to handle. But knowing that she had had such a wonderful life because of HAPO and because of all the amazing friends she had in Tabora made it a little easier.

When she went into the hospital and we all knew that she wasn’t going to last much longer, I tried so hard to get back over to Tanzania just for a few days to see her again. I didn’t want her to think that I had abandoned her and didn’t care about what was going on. But of course, I couldn’t logistically do it. Looking back at it, I know that if I had made it to Tanzania while she was in the hospital, it would have ruined our last moment together. On my last day at HAPO, Elizabeti was the final child that I said goodbye to. I got down on my knees to be at her level, hugged her tightly, and said “Nakupenda” which means “I love you” in Swahili. She gave me a squeeze and then ran off with the rest of the kids. Seeing her lying in a hospital bed would have only tainted that memory that I had had with her.

The day she died, I got an email before my 8 o’clock class telling me what had happened. When I read the email, I was a little numb to it and so I went to class and just sat there trying to take it all in. At the end of my school day, I went to the closest tattoo parlor and got the tattoo on my wrist that is in memory of Elizabeti. Every single day, at least one person asks me the meaning behind my tattoo. Although it’s a bit of a downer to talk about, I love being able to share Elizabeti’s story with people and I love having the reminder of her where I can see it at all times.

I’m heading back to Tanzania for two weeks at the beginning of May. It’s the first time I’ll have been back since I left almost four years ago. Not only is it going to be so weird seeing how much my kids have grown up, it’s going to be heartbreaking not having Elizabeti and her contagious laugh around. But I will always try to make sure that the work I’m doing and the life that I lead is in honor of that beautiful little girl who will forever be the person who changed and transformed my life more than anyone else.

Last thought: I love the story behind the photo at the beginning of this post. Elizabeti had been teaching me different Tanzanian patty-cake type games and I had been teaching her some American ones. We were standing next to a tree and I had my camera down by my side and accidentally took a picture. The photo you see is what came out of that accidental shot. I love it so much because it really shows her personality and it makes me smile every time I look at it.

Oh this town, it's so electric.

I've had yet another wonderful week here in Joburg. There's no way I could ever describe how fantastic the group of friends we've managed to infiltrate really is. I'm loving my work and I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to be here doing what I do, but I have to say that my "extra-curricular" activities are the things that are making me love this place so much.

For St. Patty's Day, fellow BC interns Katherine and Guerdine came over to our place to spend the night and to meet everyone we've been raving about. We took them for their first South African braai and then we all went out to one of the few Irish pubs in town to celebrate the day. I took full advantage of the fact that I didn't have to drive and drank quite a bit. It was nice to have a night where I didn't need to feel too responsible and I could just have fun and dance and make a fool of myself. The next morning, I wasn't such a fan of my decision to be irresponsible, but that's alright. It was totally worth it. Plus, I got to spend all day Sunday on the couch drinking tons of water and ginger beer and watching Almost Famous. Not a bad day at all.

Yesterday was Human Rights Day in SA and so we got the day off from work. Getting a day off in the middle of the week is the best. It totally felt like a Saturday and then we kept remembering that we only had to go back to work for two more days and then it really would be Saturday. A bunch of us went to the gardens for a picnic until it inevitably started raining around 3 PM. Then Shannon and I headed home for a bit and watched The Departed (we've both been missing Boston terribly lately) and then we headed out for a girls night with some of our favorite ladies. It was so nice to be surrounded by such strong and independent women. Plus, we got to have a bit of a bitching session which is definitely necessary from time to time. It was just a lot of fun and made me even more grateful for this wonderful group of friends we have here.

Every time Shannon and I have a good time with friends, inevitably one of us says, "How are we ever going to leave this place?" It's a completely legit question. There's always a part of you that wishes you hadn't become so invested in new friends because then it always makes it harder to leave. But then you realize how sad and lonely you would have been without them. It's such a bittersweet thing, but it'll all be okay. For now, I'm just looking forward to whatever comes next. In this case, it's a braai and rugby game on Saturday!

Twelve Fingers

After a much needed break and some motivation from my lovely friend Swathi (check out her hilariously awesome blog about her time in Spain), I'm back to blogging. I think after my last post, I needed some time to experience things by myself. Blogging is great, but sometimes I feel like it can cheapen the experience you have because you're sharing everything with the world. I'll probably be blogging more often, but I may choose to keep certain instances to myself that I would have normally talked about. I feel as though there's so much growing I should be doing here and I can't do that when I tell people everything I'm going through.

Okay. Enough of the melodramatics. I'll try my best to break down everything that's happened in the last month for you and how I'm doing in certain life categories.

Professionally: Currently, I am loving the work I'm doing. Since the last time I blogged, I have been to an HIV rapid test training and a basic HIV information training. These days, I'm doing the HIV testing in the pediatric counseling department. What that means is that I'm the one pricking the kids when they come to get an HIV test. I've had some very interesting instances including a kid freaking out and smacking me after I pricked his finger and trying to prick a baby who had twelve fingers. Now, when people have extra fingers they're usually just like the other fingers. But not these ones. They were hanging by a piece of skin off of the pinkies. It was not an easy thing to look at. Despite my interesting clientele, I am loving this job. I think I've denied the fact that I need to work with children in order to be really happy in my work for far too long. I don't know what it is about them, but I can't help but enjoy working with them.

Socially: Can I just say how much I really like South Africans? Seriously. The group of friends that Shannon and I have managed to squeeze our way into is amazing. We almost always have plans every night and we keep meeting even more people! A few weeks ago, we went to a beer festival in Clarens with some of those amazing friends. Even though I'm not a beer drinker, I had so much fun just hanging out with everyone in such a beautiful place. We've done a lot of dinners, drinks, markets, and we've even released Chinese lanterns from the water tower near our flat (now when I say "we," obviously I mean that I watched people do all the hard work and then stared at how pretty it was while hoping that it didn't fall into a tree and cause a wildfire). And last weekend, we spent some time at Dillon's family home in Magaliesburg. It was so great to get away for a night and relax. So yea, my friends here are lekker.

(For my wonderful friend Ellen who requested I do so, I'm posting some pictures of my recent social activities. But just so you know, these are all Shannon's pictures because I haven't been taking a lot of pictures and because they're on my computer so I'm going to use them. I hope she doesn't mind!)

Shannon and I at the beer festival in lovely Clarens.

I like to think of this picture as what I would choose if anyone asked to see my personality in photo form. Not even kidding.

Theresa and I after releasing the Chinese lanterns.

Theresa and Brian being adorable while releasing the lanterns.

Enjoying the great outdoors in Magaliesburg! (Actually, I spent this entire walk swatting at flies and telling Dillon I would freak out if I saw a snake.)

And lastly...

Personally: I've been feeling a little bit off lately. I just haven't been feeling like myself. I think that the reality of the work I'm doing really gets to me sometimes and makes me feel lonely. Luckily, I have Shannon who knows exactly what I'm going through. And I have some pretty spectacular friends back home who have sent me the nicest emails this week to cheer me up. I'm now in the mindset that I don't have a lot of time left here and I need to take advantage of it. So no more moping around. I have to start living it up here.

Hopefully all of this makes up for my lack of posts in the last month. I promise to try harder from now on.

PS: Yesterday Shannon and I almost died in our office because of how disgustingly hot it was. Today, it's so cold and it's raining miserably. I guess it just means we have to go shopping for new "winter" appropriate clothing. :)

Slowly but truly mending, brick by brick, heart by heart

Today, my heart is feeling pretty heavy. I think a week of post-test counseling is starting to get to me. It is never going to be easy to give someone an HIV positive result. If it was easy for me, I would be in the wrong profession. I’ve worked within the HIV community for about seven years now, but this is the first time I’m being faced with the responsibility of saying the words that will totally change someone’s life. I’ve had people cry and get very angry at their partners because they themselves have never cheated. One woman, through her subtle tears, said to me, “I told him not to cheat. I told him over and over again. And now he’s brought this sickness into my body.” I’ve also had people cry out of happiness because I was able to give them a negative result. One girl was so excited that she couldn’t contain her tears and then said, “Can I please have a hug? I just really need one right now!” You never know what the reaction is going to be and so it’s hard to know what your own reaction will be.

I think the hardest reaction for me to deal with is when people seem apathetic or in denial of what is happening. When I tell a person that they are HIV positive and they just sit there and don’t seem affected by it at all, I have no idea what to do. I can’t probe at them to try and get a reaction out of them, but I also want to make sure they understand that this is a pretty major thing. I try to use my generic therapist phrase of “how do you feel,” but even that just gets a “fine” response. I just feel so useless sometimes.

When Elizabeti passed away almost three years ago, I did a lot of soul-searching. Did I really want to work in a population where I would have to watch people who I had formed a relationship with die? Could I really handle another experience like growing so close to a beautiful little girl and then watch her get so sick and die at such a young age? For a while, I really couldn’t handle it. At the time, I was interning at an organization where I saw HIV positive clients on a daily basis. When Elizabeti died, I shut myself down and could not deal with having HIV be a daily component in my life. Eventually, I realized that shutting myself down was the complete opposite of what Elizabeti would have wanted me to do. Instead, I found my passion in this work again and now I work to help people within this community in her memory. That’s what keeps me going every day. The memories I have with this little girl who taught me more about life than anyone else ever has.

Two months ago I was in New York for my last trip to the city before leaving. The last thing I did was see Godspell on Broadway with some of my best New York friends. The entire weekend was incredibly emotional for me because I was stressed out about leaving and so when I walked outside after the show, I completely broke down. I just kept saying, “I’m not ready for this. I can’t do this.” Luckily, I have some pretty unreal friends and they were there to calm me down. The incredible George Salazaar came over to me because he knew that I was going to South Africa and why I was going and when I talked to him about how I didn’t feel ready at all, he told me that I needed to realize that what I was doing was so great and that not many people in the world would take the opportunity to do it. What he actually said was much more eloquent than that, but all I remember is that it was exactly what I needed to hear and that it ended up making me cry even more.

But maybe I’m still not ready for this. I can try as hard as possbile to remember that what I’m doing is helping people and that I’m doing it all for Elizabeti. But I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this.

There’s a song from Godspell called “Beautiful City” that I’m using as my sort of theme song while I’m here. Please don’t think I’m naïve or ignorant enough to think that Joburg is this “beautiful city” that I’m going to build. I see myself as the city that is in need of some repair. Three years later, my heart is still breaking for Elizabeti and every day that I’m here, I see her face everywhere. But I know that through this heartbreak and uncertainty that I’m facing right now, I’m going to end up being so much stronger.

When your trust is all but shattered
When your faith is all but killed
You can give up, bitter and battered
Or you can slowly start to build

Disco and Valentines

I started writing out a very serious and sappy blog entry yesterday, but I never got around to finishing it and now I'm just not feeling very serious. So instead I'll tell you about the fun things I've done over the past few days.

Friday was Staff Wellness Day at work. The clinic was closed to patients and the staff got to go around to different stations to get check ups. You could get your eyes and teeth checked, go to the dietician, get a pap smear and breast exam, have your blood pressure checked, get a hearing test, do an HIV rapid test, and do pilates. It was pretty great. Then in the afternoon we went down the road to a hotel and did a treasure hunt in the rain and then had lunch. It was a lot of fun to get to know some more people in the clinic and to not think about giving positive HIV tests. It was definitely something I needed.

On Saturday, Shannon and I met up with fellow BC global practice students Guerdine and Katherine downtown for the Joburg film festival. Besides getting lost while trying to get there, it was a lot of fun. It was so wonderful to see Katherine and Guerdine and to get downtown for a little bit. Saturday night, we went to a birthday party for our new friend Leila. It was disco themed, so Shannon and I tried to make do with what we had. Eventually, I ended up buying a new shirt for the occasion. (But let's be real- I was just using the party as an excuse for buying the shirt.) The party was a lot of fun and almost everyone we had met so far through our social coordinator (Dillon) was there. Plus we met a bunch of new people so the night was really great.


Sunday ended up being a really chill day, which was nice. We attempted to go to Zoo Lake, but instead we walked around the Joburg Botanical Gardens for a while. It was such a perfect day to be outside and the gardens were beautiful. Then we decided to make the trip out to the Sandton mall (aka: the really rich/"larny" mall in town) and saw "The Descendants." Obviously, it was fantastic. George Clooney can do no wrong in my eyes (especially because he was in "Return of the Killer Tomatoes"). Then we went home to watch some Oprah and fell asleep.

After work on Monday, we went to the gym for a little bit and then met up with Linda and her wonderful family for dinner. We had some really great food and ended up being there for about three hours. Linda is sadly leaving us on Friday so we're trying to spend time with her before she goes. It's going to be so strange not having our Scottish South African mum around anymore. :)

Yesterday, Shannon wasn't feeling too great at work so we ended up leaving around lunch time. Shannon went home and slept for a few hours while I went to the mall (naturally) and got my nails done. I don't get my nails done very often, but when I do it's like a luxury. Especially because the salon had E! on in the background. Sadly enough, I'm missing my trashy Hollywood TV shows. So I got to sit for two hours (yes, it took two hours) while watching E! and not having to think about anything else. It was fantastic. Then last night we met up with some of our favorite Joburg people and had a Valentine's dinner at Odd Cafe. It was delicious and so much fun. I'm definitely starting to realize how lucky I am to be here and how amazing the people we've already met really are. And I also had a realization that it's the middle of February and I only have just over two months left here. It's insane. I already know it's going to be nearly impossible for me to leave. But at least I have two months left to do some fun things and learn a lot from this unreal experience.

PS: I feel as though my writing skills have completely escaped me and I'm writing some really boring kak. For that, I apologize. I also realize that I use the words "really," "so," and "such" far too often. I'll do my best to be more eloquent in my writing from now on. (Or, I could just keep writing like the 12-year-old girl I still truly am.)

Sometimes, Africa wins

“Sometimes, Africa wins” is my new favorite phrase. Our amazing (and American) friend Curtis first brought this phrase into our lives. We like to use it whenever something annoying happens that is out of our control or when we’re having one of those “South Africa is amazing” moments. I’ve comprised a list of the ways South Africa wins in both bad and good ways. Enjoy!

The bad ways that Africa wins

• Myrtle, the Mazda (our not so fantastic car)
• Traffic
• Driving behind public transport (they either decide to stop suddenly or a huge amount of disgusting exhaust gets in your face)
• The fact that our windshield wipers have two settings: fast and really fast
• THE. CLUTCH. I have to sit right up against the wheel because my legs are too short to push the clutch in all the way
• 7:30 AM work days- This means we have to leave by 6:45 (because of the before mentioned traffic), which means we have to wake up by 6 at the latest.
  
• Going 2.5 days in a health clinic with no running water and hundreds of patients using a limited amount of bathrooms
• The fact that there are always robots (traffic lights) that aren't working which causes the before mentioned traffic
• Annoying/sexist commercials
• Depressing news stories
  
• No free internet
• Not being able to get on Facebook at work
• South African movies
• Rain and thunderstorms that occur every single day
• Using sweat towels at the gym as the "hygienic" way to clean machines after use
• Africa time (aka: people do whatever they want whenever they want making the work day frustrating)
• Never having either toilet paper or paper towels (or both) in the bathroom of our work building
• Not having a radio in the car which means we have to use my iPhone so we don't sit in silence while dealing with all the traffic
• Having to tell someone they're HIV positive

The good ways that Africa wins

• All of the disgustingly gorgeous people at Jolly Cool in Parkhurst
• Odd Cafe in Greenside (mostly because of Heath Ledger look-a-like waiter, Stefan)
• 90s music playing everywhere
• Everything is crazy cheap compared to America
• The guy that works at the gym with the awful fashion mullet because it makes us laugh
• Our amazing new friends
• Baby lions
• Mr. Price (our favorite clothing store)
• The commentary in the TV guide about movies (for example, one was like this: "An average movie about average American teenagers who go to an average high school. Did we mention the movie was average?")
• Melktart, the most delicious dessert in the world (especially if it's from Odd Cafe and Stefan serves it to us)
• The fruit and veg shop down the hill
• Derek Van Dam (the weather guy with a fauhawk)
• The gorgeous weather
• Africa time (aka: people do whatever they want when they want making the work day easy)
  
• The entire counseling staff at Witkoppen
• Having a primary school next door to work and listening to the kids sing first thing in the morning
• Being a bad-ass manual car driver
• Telling someone they're HIV negative and watching them cry out of happiness and then getting a big hug from them