And I can't remember why, but it felt like I had found home

I decided that I needed to write one more blog post to wrap up the last four months. It's still insane to me that I'm at the point where I'm wrapping up this entire experience, but it is what it is. There always comes a point when you blog where you either get sick of it, get too busy, or find yourself lessening your experience because you feel the need to share it with everyone. Mine was definitely the latter, but I still feel like having one more post is necessary.

I left Joburg last Friday after what seemed like days of constant tears on my part. My last weekend was luckily a very long 5-day weekend, so I was able to spend a lot of quality time with the people I had become so close with. On Thursday, my wonderful friend Prudence organized a going away dinner at my favorite restaurant (I say favorite for the following reasons: 1.) they give you bread before your meal 2.) they have great desserts 3.) they have an hour of free wifi) and 15 of my closest friends had all shown up to say goodbye. It was a really difficult night to get through and every now and then I would randomly start crying because I just didn't want to think about it. They made me this amazing photo book with pictures of them all with me and a note to go along with it. It's probably the best present I've ever received. When the time came to start saying actual goodbyes, I was a complete mess. At one point, I was standing outside by myself crying like a crazy person when Shannon saw me and came out with Curtis and Dillon to make sure I was okay. It was so great to feel that support and know that they were going to help me through it all. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through these four months without Shannon, but that's a completely different story. It was such a nice night and a perfect way to say goodbye to everyone. And then the next day Shannon, Prudence, and Bronwynn took me to the Gautrain for me to get to the airport. I adore those ladies and I was so glad they were the ones to take me.

I know it may seem a little childish to have been so upset about leaving, but something happened that I wasn't expecting while I was in Joburg. I saw it as my home and as a place where I could have a really great life. So having to say goodbye to somewhere I had realized I could truly live and would be happy was really difficult. We talk a lot in social work classes about the idea of "termination" with our clients and jobs. We all know the right ways to end relationships with our clients and how to walk away from jobs to go onto another one. But we've never discussed the idea of letting go of a life you never knew you wanted. Saying goodbye to Joburg and all of my amazing friends was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I know that my time in Joburg isn't finished and that I will eventually end up back there. Maybe it'll just be to visit, or maybe it'll be to continue that life I had managed to start. Who knows? But I do know that it definitely isn't over.

 After leaving SA on Friday, I headed straight to Tanzania which is where I lived four years ago. I hadn't been back since I left four years ago, so I knew that I needed to come back. After two planes and a very, very uncomfortable 8 1/2 hour bus ride, I made it back to Tabora. I've managed to see so many of the kids I worked with and have seen how much they've grown up. Unfortunately, I've already managed to get malaria, so I've been a little sleepy the last couple of days. But I'll be here until Sunday and then on Monday I go to Zanzibar for a few days. Zanzibar is the perfect place to relax and reflect and I feel like I'm really going to need that before heading back to Boston in 9 days.

 It's been a surreal four months, but I feel like I have grown so much because of everything I have been able to do. The work I did changed me and helped me realize exactly what it is I want to do. And the people I met have helped me become ready for the next stage of my life. In the words of the always poignant Adele, "Oh, the people I've met are the wonders of my world." I couldn't have asked for a better experience and I know there's no way I could have had a better experience. Love love love.

Blessed to be a Witness

Three years ago today, Elizabeti passed away. I would definitely say it’s been the most defining moment in my life thus far. Forming a relationship with her, sponsoring her to go to private school, and then losing her seven months later was too much to handle. But knowing that she had had such a wonderful life because of HAPO and because of all the amazing friends she had in Tabora made it a little easier.

When she went into the hospital and we all knew that she wasn’t going to last much longer, I tried so hard to get back over to Tanzania just for a few days to see her again. I didn’t want her to think that I had abandoned her and didn’t care about what was going on. But of course, I couldn’t logistically do it. Looking back at it, I know that if I had made it to Tanzania while she was in the hospital, it would have ruined our last moment together. On my last day at HAPO, Elizabeti was the final child that I said goodbye to. I got down on my knees to be at her level, hugged her tightly, and said “Nakupenda” which means “I love you” in Swahili. She gave me a squeeze and then ran off with the rest of the kids. Seeing her lying in a hospital bed would have only tainted that memory that I had had with her.

The day she died, I got an email before my 8 o’clock class telling me what had happened. When I read the email, I was a little numb to it and so I went to class and just sat there trying to take it all in. At the end of my school day, I went to the closest tattoo parlor and got the tattoo on my wrist that is in memory of Elizabeti. Every single day, at least one person asks me the meaning behind my tattoo. Although it’s a bit of a downer to talk about, I love being able to share Elizabeti’s story with people and I love having the reminder of her where I can see it at all times.

I’m heading back to Tanzania for two weeks at the beginning of May. It’s the first time I’ll have been back since I left almost four years ago. Not only is it going to be so weird seeing how much my kids have grown up, it’s going to be heartbreaking not having Elizabeti and her contagious laugh around. But I will always try to make sure that the work I’m doing and the life that I lead is in honor of that beautiful little girl who will forever be the person who changed and transformed my life more than anyone else.

Last thought: I love the story behind the photo at the beginning of this post. Elizabeti had been teaching me different Tanzanian patty-cake type games and I had been teaching her some American ones. We were standing next to a tree and I had my camera down by my side and accidentally took a picture. The photo you see is what came out of that accidental shot. I love it so much because it really shows her personality and it makes me smile every time I look at it.

Oh this town, it's so electric.

I've had yet another wonderful week here in Joburg. There's no way I could ever describe how fantastic the group of friends we've managed to infiltrate really is. I'm loving my work and I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to be here doing what I do, but I have to say that my "extra-curricular" activities are the things that are making me love this place so much.

For St. Patty's Day, fellow BC interns Katherine and Guerdine came over to our place to spend the night and to meet everyone we've been raving about. We took them for their first South African braai and then we all went out to one of the few Irish pubs in town to celebrate the day. I took full advantage of the fact that I didn't have to drive and drank quite a bit. It was nice to have a night where I didn't need to feel too responsible and I could just have fun and dance and make a fool of myself. The next morning, I wasn't such a fan of my decision to be irresponsible, but that's alright. It was totally worth it. Plus, I got to spend all day Sunday on the couch drinking tons of water and ginger beer and watching Almost Famous. Not a bad day at all.

Yesterday was Human Rights Day in SA and so we got the day off from work. Getting a day off in the middle of the week is the best. It totally felt like a Saturday and then we kept remembering that we only had to go back to work for two more days and then it really would be Saturday. A bunch of us went to the gardens for a picnic until it inevitably started raining around 3 PM. Then Shannon and I headed home for a bit and watched The Departed (we've both been missing Boston terribly lately) and then we headed out for a girls night with some of our favorite ladies. It was so nice to be surrounded by such strong and independent women. Plus, we got to have a bit of a bitching session which is definitely necessary from time to time. It was just a lot of fun and made me even more grateful for this wonderful group of friends we have here.

Every time Shannon and I have a good time with friends, inevitably one of us says, "How are we ever going to leave this place?" It's a completely legit question. There's always a part of you that wishes you hadn't become so invested in new friends because then it always makes it harder to leave. But then you realize how sad and lonely you would have been without them. It's such a bittersweet thing, but it'll all be okay. For now, I'm just looking forward to whatever comes next. In this case, it's a braai and rugby game on Saturday!

Twelve Fingers

After a much needed break and some motivation from my lovely friend Swathi (check out her hilariously awesome blog about her time in Spain), I'm back to blogging. I think after my last post, I needed some time to experience things by myself. Blogging is great, but sometimes I feel like it can cheapen the experience you have because you're sharing everything with the world. I'll probably be blogging more often, but I may choose to keep certain instances to myself that I would have normally talked about. I feel as though there's so much growing I should be doing here and I can't do that when I tell people everything I'm going through.

Okay. Enough of the melodramatics. I'll try my best to break down everything that's happened in the last month for you and how I'm doing in certain life categories.

Professionally: Currently, I am loving the work I'm doing. Since the last time I blogged, I have been to an HIV rapid test training and a basic HIV information training. These days, I'm doing the HIV testing in the pediatric counseling department. What that means is that I'm the one pricking the kids when they come to get an HIV test. I've had some very interesting instances including a kid freaking out and smacking me after I pricked his finger and trying to prick a baby who had twelve fingers. Now, when people have extra fingers they're usually just like the other fingers. But not these ones. They were hanging by a piece of skin off of the pinkies. It was not an easy thing to look at. Despite my interesting clientele, I am loving this job. I think I've denied the fact that I need to work with children in order to be really happy in my work for far too long. I don't know what it is about them, but I can't help but enjoy working with them.

Socially: Can I just say how much I really like South Africans? Seriously. The group of friends that Shannon and I have managed to squeeze our way into is amazing. We almost always have plans every night and we keep meeting even more people! A few weeks ago, we went to a beer festival in Clarens with some of those amazing friends. Even though I'm not a beer drinker, I had so much fun just hanging out with everyone in such a beautiful place. We've done a lot of dinners, drinks, markets, and we've even released Chinese lanterns from the water tower near our flat (now when I say "we," obviously I mean that I watched people do all the hard work and then stared at how pretty it was while hoping that it didn't fall into a tree and cause a wildfire). And last weekend, we spent some time at Dillon's family home in Magaliesburg. It was so great to get away for a night and relax. So yea, my friends here are lekker.

(For my wonderful friend Ellen who requested I do so, I'm posting some pictures of my recent social activities. But just so you know, these are all Shannon's pictures because I haven't been taking a lot of pictures and because they're on my computer so I'm going to use them. I hope she doesn't mind!)

Shannon and I at the beer festival in lovely Clarens.

I like to think of this picture as what I would choose if anyone asked to see my personality in photo form. Not even kidding.

Theresa and I after releasing the Chinese lanterns.

Theresa and Brian being adorable while releasing the lanterns.

Enjoying the great outdoors in Magaliesburg! (Actually, I spent this entire walk swatting at flies and telling Dillon I would freak out if I saw a snake.)

And lastly...

Personally: I've been feeling a little bit off lately. I just haven't been feeling like myself. I think that the reality of the work I'm doing really gets to me sometimes and makes me feel lonely. Luckily, I have Shannon who knows exactly what I'm going through. And I have some pretty spectacular friends back home who have sent me the nicest emails this week to cheer me up. I'm now in the mindset that I don't have a lot of time left here and I need to take advantage of it. So no more moping around. I have to start living it up here.

Hopefully all of this makes up for my lack of posts in the last month. I promise to try harder from now on.

PS: Yesterday Shannon and I almost died in our office because of how disgustingly hot it was. Today, it's so cold and it's raining miserably. I guess it just means we have to go shopping for new "winter" appropriate clothing. :)

Slowly but truly mending, brick by brick, heart by heart

Today, my heart is feeling pretty heavy. I think a week of post-test counseling is starting to get to me. It is never going to be easy to give someone an HIV positive result. If it was easy for me, I would be in the wrong profession. I’ve worked within the HIV community for about seven years now, but this is the first time I’m being faced with the responsibility of saying the words that will totally change someone’s life. I’ve had people cry and get very angry at their partners because they themselves have never cheated. One woman, through her subtle tears, said to me, “I told him not to cheat. I told him over and over again. And now he’s brought this sickness into my body.” I’ve also had people cry out of happiness because I was able to give them a negative result. One girl was so excited that she couldn’t contain her tears and then said, “Can I please have a hug? I just really need one right now!” You never know what the reaction is going to be and so it’s hard to know what your own reaction will be.

I think the hardest reaction for me to deal with is when people seem apathetic or in denial of what is happening. When I tell a person that they are HIV positive and they just sit there and don’t seem affected by it at all, I have no idea what to do. I can’t probe at them to try and get a reaction out of them, but I also want to make sure they understand that this is a pretty major thing. I try to use my generic therapist phrase of “how do you feel,” but even that just gets a “fine” response. I just feel so useless sometimes.

When Elizabeti passed away almost three years ago, I did a lot of soul-searching. Did I really want to work in a population where I would have to watch people who I had formed a relationship with die? Could I really handle another experience like growing so close to a beautiful little girl and then watch her get so sick and die at such a young age? For a while, I really couldn’t handle it. At the time, I was interning at an organization where I saw HIV positive clients on a daily basis. When Elizabeti died, I shut myself down and could not deal with having HIV be a daily component in my life. Eventually, I realized that shutting myself down was the complete opposite of what Elizabeti would have wanted me to do. Instead, I found my passion in this work again and now I work to help people within this community in her memory. That’s what keeps me going every day. The memories I have with this little girl who taught me more about life than anyone else ever has.

Two months ago I was in New York for my last trip to the city before leaving. The last thing I did was see Godspell on Broadway with some of my best New York friends. The entire weekend was incredibly emotional for me because I was stressed out about leaving and so when I walked outside after the show, I completely broke down. I just kept saying, “I’m not ready for this. I can’t do this.” Luckily, I have some pretty unreal friends and they were there to calm me down. The incredible George Salazaar came over to me because he knew that I was going to South Africa and why I was going and when I talked to him about how I didn’t feel ready at all, he told me that I needed to realize that what I was doing was so great and that not many people in the world would take the opportunity to do it. What he actually said was much more eloquent than that, but all I remember is that it was exactly what I needed to hear and that it ended up making me cry even more.

But maybe I’m still not ready for this. I can try as hard as possbile to remember that what I’m doing is helping people and that I’m doing it all for Elizabeti. But I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this.

There’s a song from Godspell called “Beautiful City” that I’m using as my sort of theme song while I’m here. Please don’t think I’m naïve or ignorant enough to think that Joburg is this “beautiful city” that I’m going to build. I see myself as the city that is in need of some repair. Three years later, my heart is still breaking for Elizabeti and every day that I’m here, I see her face everywhere. But I know that through this heartbreak and uncertainty that I’m facing right now, I’m going to end up being so much stronger.

When your trust is all but shattered
When your faith is all but killed
You can give up, bitter and battered
Or you can slowly start to build

Disco and Valentines

I started writing out a very serious and sappy blog entry yesterday, but I never got around to finishing it and now I'm just not feeling very serious. So instead I'll tell you about the fun things I've done over the past few days.

Friday was Staff Wellness Day at work. The clinic was closed to patients and the staff got to go around to different stations to get check ups. You could get your eyes and teeth checked, go to the dietician, get a pap smear and breast exam, have your blood pressure checked, get a hearing test, do an HIV rapid test, and do pilates. It was pretty great. Then in the afternoon we went down the road to a hotel and did a treasure hunt in the rain and then had lunch. It was a lot of fun to get to know some more people in the clinic and to not think about giving positive HIV tests. It was definitely something I needed.

On Saturday, Shannon and I met up with fellow BC global practice students Guerdine and Katherine downtown for the Joburg film festival. Besides getting lost while trying to get there, it was a lot of fun. It was so wonderful to see Katherine and Guerdine and to get downtown for a little bit. Saturday night, we went to a birthday party for our new friend Leila. It was disco themed, so Shannon and I tried to make do with what we had. Eventually, I ended up buying a new shirt for the occasion. (But let's be real- I was just using the party as an excuse for buying the shirt.) The party was a lot of fun and almost everyone we had met so far through our social coordinator (Dillon) was there. Plus we met a bunch of new people so the night was really great.


Sunday ended up being a really chill day, which was nice. We attempted to go to Zoo Lake, but instead we walked around the Joburg Botanical Gardens for a while. It was such a perfect day to be outside and the gardens were beautiful. Then we decided to make the trip out to the Sandton mall (aka: the really rich/"larny" mall in town) and saw "The Descendants." Obviously, it was fantastic. George Clooney can do no wrong in my eyes (especially because he was in "Return of the Killer Tomatoes"). Then we went home to watch some Oprah and fell asleep.

After work on Monday, we went to the gym for a little bit and then met up with Linda and her wonderful family for dinner. We had some really great food and ended up being there for about three hours. Linda is sadly leaving us on Friday so we're trying to spend time with her before she goes. It's going to be so strange not having our Scottish South African mum around anymore. :)

Yesterday, Shannon wasn't feeling too great at work so we ended up leaving around lunch time. Shannon went home and slept for a few hours while I went to the mall (naturally) and got my nails done. I don't get my nails done very often, but when I do it's like a luxury. Especially because the salon had E! on in the background. Sadly enough, I'm missing my trashy Hollywood TV shows. So I got to sit for two hours (yes, it took two hours) while watching E! and not having to think about anything else. It was fantastic. Then last night we met up with some of our favorite Joburg people and had a Valentine's dinner at Odd Cafe. It was delicious and so much fun. I'm definitely starting to realize how lucky I am to be here and how amazing the people we've already met really are. And I also had a realization that it's the middle of February and I only have just over two months left here. It's insane. I already know it's going to be nearly impossible for me to leave. But at least I have two months left to do some fun things and learn a lot from this unreal experience.

PS: I feel as though my writing skills have completely escaped me and I'm writing some really boring kak. For that, I apologize. I also realize that I use the words "really," "so," and "such" far too often. I'll do my best to be more eloquent in my writing from now on. (Or, I could just keep writing like the 12-year-old girl I still truly am.)

Sometimes, Africa wins

“Sometimes, Africa wins” is my new favorite phrase. Our amazing (and American) friend Curtis first brought this phrase into our lives. We like to use it whenever something annoying happens that is out of our control or when we’re having one of those “South Africa is amazing” moments. I’ve comprised a list of the ways South Africa wins in both bad and good ways. Enjoy!

The bad ways that Africa wins

• Myrtle, the Mazda (our not so fantastic car)
• Traffic
• Driving behind public transport (they either decide to stop suddenly or a huge amount of disgusting exhaust gets in your face)
• The fact that our windshield wipers have two settings: fast and really fast
• THE. CLUTCH. I have to sit right up against the wheel because my legs are too short to push the clutch in all the way
• 7:30 AM work days- This means we have to leave by 6:45 (because of the before mentioned traffic), which means we have to wake up by 6 at the latest.
  
• Going 2.5 days in a health clinic with no running water and hundreds of patients using a limited amount of bathrooms
• The fact that there are always robots (traffic lights) that aren't working which causes the before mentioned traffic
• Annoying/sexist commercials
• Depressing news stories
  
• No free internet
• Not being able to get on Facebook at work
• South African movies
• Rain and thunderstorms that occur every single day
• Using sweat towels at the gym as the "hygienic" way to clean machines after use
• Africa time (aka: people do whatever they want whenever they want making the work day frustrating)
• Never having either toilet paper or paper towels (or both) in the bathroom of our work building
• Not having a radio in the car which means we have to use my iPhone so we don't sit in silence while dealing with all the traffic
• Having to tell someone they're HIV positive

The good ways that Africa wins

• All of the disgustingly gorgeous people at Jolly Cool in Parkhurst
• Odd Cafe in Greenside (mostly because of Heath Ledger look-a-like waiter, Stefan)
• 90s music playing everywhere
• Everything is crazy cheap compared to America
• The guy that works at the gym with the awful fashion mullet because it makes us laugh
• Our amazing new friends
• Baby lions
• Mr. Price (our favorite clothing store)
• The commentary in the TV guide about movies (for example, one was like this: "An average movie about average American teenagers who go to an average high school. Did we mention the movie was average?")
• Melktart, the most delicious dessert in the world (especially if it's from Odd Cafe and Stefan serves it to us)
• The fruit and veg shop down the hill
• Derek Van Dam (the weather guy with a fauhawk)
• The gorgeous weather
• Africa time (aka: people do whatever they want when they want making the work day easy)
  
• The entire counseling staff at Witkoppen
• Having a primary school next door to work and listening to the kids sing first thing in the morning
• Being a bad-ass manual car driver
• Telling someone they're HIV negative and watching them cry out of happiness and then getting a big hug from them
  

Lions, and robots, and Hunter Parrish....oh my!

I get daily notes from “The Universe” and today’s was pretty great, so I’m going to share it.

Get out, get out, get out even more, Lauren! Because there are people you've yet to meet, laughs you've yet to share, stories you've yet to live, and riches you've yet to tap into, that will not find you under any other circumstances.

How fantastic is that? Anyway, it’s time for my weekend update. Some days can be really long and boring at the clinic, so we’re constantly looking forward to the weekend and this weekend was no exception. On Friday, Shannon and I made our weekly trip to the mall down the street from us. We shopped, had dinner, and then went and saw “We Bought a Zoo.” I had already seen it, but I loved it so much the first time around that I wanted to see it again because it’s such a cute movie. On Saturday, we got up and went to the gym and then we went to a great little neighborhood called Melville and stole internet at a café for about an hour. Then on the way back to the car, we got caught in a pretty bad thunderstorm. Luckily, we made it inside the car before it got really bad, but then we sat in the car for about 30 minutes because I couldn’t really see anything and I didn’t want to drive in it. Eventually, we left and went grocery shopping because we had our friends Curtis and Dillon over for dinner. It was a lot of fun and we had some good food and great wine. Curtis and I ended up talking a lot about Broadway because he lived in New York for a while. We realized that we both had a mutual love of Hunter Parrish, so we listened to his incredible version of “Beautiful City” and then because I have a bootleg (shhh!) DVD of Spring Awakening with Hunter in it, I made Curtis watch him perform a couple of songs. So obviously it was a fantastic night.

Yesterday, Curtis came and picked us up and we went with him and his friend Patrick to the lion park. It’s pretty much just a zoo, but there are a lot more open areas and much more exotic animals. And you get to go inside an enclosure with lion cubs and take pictures with them. So freaking cute. There was one lion sitting on a rock so you could take pictures with it, but as soon as I sat down it growled at me and this was naturally my reaction:



I mean, come on. Who wouldn’t do that? But it was really great and we saw so many amazing animals. Afterwards, Curtis, Shannon, and I met up with Dillon and some of his friends at this great restaurant for lunch. We had some amazing food and got to know new people. And then Shannon and I went home and watched Mamma Mia before we went back to the mall to steal some more internet.

So that was our weekend. It was a lot of fun and it was so great getting to do things with lots of different people. It’s so much easier now that we have a car. I have now been driving it to and from work for about a week now. It’s definitely not the best car in the world and it’s wicked hard to drive it, but it’s a car so I’m really grateful for it. This morning on the way to work, one of the major robots (otherwise known as traffic lights) was out and of course it was the robot where I had to make a right hand (think left hand) turn. It was a mess. Eventually I did what any Joburg driver would do and just went for it. I think I’m definitely starting to get the hang of it.

I’ll try harder to make my blog posts more interesting, but this is as good as it’s going to get for a Monday entry.

It's hot.

Like wicked hot.

This was yesterday's forecast. Shannon and I decided to look at it while we were sitting in the office feeling like we wanted to die from the heat. 51% humidity is insane. Today, it's a few degrees cooler, but it's 57% humidity. Insane.

Perspective shuts out the universe, it keeps the love out

Most of the time, I like to find a little perspective in whatever situation I am in. Especially if I’m having a major life-changing experience. But sometimes, finding the perspective can just ruin the moment and you just have to sit back and feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Since beginning work here in South Africa, I’ve had a few of those moments.

Last week, I sat in on pediatric counseling because I appreciate the work that is being done there. It is far from an easy job and it reminds me that HIV infections in children happen often. While I was in there, I started doing some of the patient paper work. What that means is I was looking at the HIV rapid test results and recording in the patient’s file whether the result was positive or negative. There was a seven-year-old boy who had come in for testing, but I could not believe he was seven. His Grandmother (or “Gogo” in Zulu) was still carrying him on her back because he was so weak and he was so small. He looked as though he could only be two or three. The Gogo told us that his mother had passed away and did not tell anyone that she was HIV positive. Once the Gogo found out, she realized that her grandson was probably HIV positive as well. I was the first person to look at the boy’s results and see that he was in fact HIV positive. I had a moment of, “This child’s life is about to change forever and I am the first person to know.” I felt guilty and disgusted and unworthy. But I allowed myself to take a few moments to feel those things while it was happening. Instead of carrying on like it wasn’t a big deal, I took a moment to myself and really thought about the implications of what I had just seen. After he left, I checked the results of another young boy and his father, both of whom had just tested positive for TB. The son was fortunately HIV negative, but the father was positive. When he heard the results, I saw a physical change in him and I knew that he was considering what it meant. He was a single dad with two young boys, one of which was now sick with TB, and he had just been told he not only had TB but that he was HIV positive. What do you do in that kind of situation? How can you not be emotionally impacted by it?

Yesterday, I sat in on a group adherence session with one of my favorite counselors here at the clinic. The adherence sessions are split into two groups: first adherence and second adherence. First adherence is for patients who have recently learned of their HIV status and have also been told that their CD4 count is low enough (350 or below) to start anti-retroviral treatments. During first adherence, they are taught how they will take their medication, what the difference between HIV and AIDS is, what side effects they may have, and they are also allowed to ask any questions they can think of. Second adherence is for patients who are going to start their ARVs that day and are just reminded of a few things before they start their medication.

The adherence session I sat on yesterday had eight people in it. There was a girl around my age who was very quiet through most of the session. Eventually, she asked the counselor (in Zulu, which was then translated for me), “Am I ever going to be a mother? Will I live long enough to be a Granny?” After asking the question, she started quietly crying. It was obvious that this was something that had been on her mind since she first learned of her HIV status. When her words were translated to me, I could feel myself choking up. Even as I write this, I still feel like I want to cry for this girl who was so young and had so much life left to live. The counselor started talking about how if she took her medication the way she needs to, then yes, she will be a mother and she will be a Granny. And then she said (and this is exactly why she’s one of my favorite counselors), “Death is death. We will all die eventually. But if you do not have a positive mentality, then you cannot expect to live a long life.” I was completely taken aback by what she said. Not only because it is absolutely true, but because of the impact it had on everyone in the room, myself included. I allowed myself to be in that moment with that group of people who were all feeling and thinking the same thing. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and present with eight beautiful and strong strangers.

Not a lot of people know this, but the musical “Rent” is the reason why I first wanted to work within the HIV/AIDS spectrum. It was 10 years ago this month that I first saw the show and had my life changed forever. There is a song in the show called “Will I?” that I’m finally beginning to feel as though I understand. I’ve always thought of it as a beautiful and haunting song, but now I can see the words going through the minds of the amazing people I see on a daily basis. And if I want to make an impact on their lives, then I must remain open to whatever emotions come my way and completely present in the moment.

Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

Hipsters, puppies, and South African Zumba.

After a very long week of work, I was able to let everything go and have a fantastic weekend. Before our long week was over, we met a new wonderful and American (!) friend, Curtis. We went out to this great suburb called Greenside for tapas, drinks, and desserts. It was so great to meet a new friend and to have a night filled with fun conversations and good food. Then on Saturday, we met up with Katherine and Guerdine who are also in our program back at BC and had just arrived in Joburg earlier in the week. It was wonderful to see them and I can’t wait to spend more time with them while we’re all here. We took a trip to the Apartheid Museum which was intense, to say the least. When you go in the museum, you are given a card that says either “white” or “non-white” and you enter the museum through the corresponding door. It was definitely a startling way to begin the tour. There was so much history in the museum and I was only able to read probably 25% of all of the information because of how much there was. The difference between this museum and other museums that show the history of horrible injustices is the fact that apartheid did not happen generations ago and because of that there is actually video footage of the beatings and the riots. It was absolutely sickening to watch and by the end of the museum, I was emotionally overwhelmed. But I am so glad that I was able to spend a few hours learning much more about South Africa’s history.

On Sunday, Dillon picked us up and we met up with his very entertaining friend Brad and went downtown to a market called Market on Main.We were assured of hipster sightings, but Shannon and I were both a little disappointed by the lack of skinny jeans and PBR. With that being said, we had a great time. Dillon and Brad proved that they are so very popular by running into people they knew every five minutes. While we were there, we sat at a table with a woman who picked up the newspaper and showed us a review of the play we saw during our first week in Joburg called “Somewhere on the Border.” We told her that we had seen it and she said that her son was in it. Then when her son came over we told him how much we enjoyed (“enjoyed” is really not the best word) the show and how intense it was. He seemed pretty surprised and happy that we had seen it and gave us suggestions for other shows to see and other theatres to check out. Then we did a little rooftop drinking and sweltered in the hot summer sun.

After we were done downtown, Shannon and I headed back to Dillon’s place to take his two Jack Russell Terrier puppies out for a walk. Sadly, an inevitable hail storm struck and we were not able to take the dogs out. But we did get to hang out and play with them. They were so adorable I couldn’t stand it. I find that I always end up missing my dog Abbey way too much whenever I’m away, so it was great to spend some time with other dogs.

Over the weekend, Shannon and I decided to sign up for the gym that is at the bottom of our hill. We felt like it would be a good idea because it would get us in shape and it would give us something to do after our stressful work days. Last night, we went for the first time to see what it was like. I went to a Zumba class that completely kicked my ass, but in a good way. I love it when Zumba is such a workout and when I leave dripping sweat. The instructor was such a hard-ass as well. She’s one of those instructors who gets in your face and yells, “GO FASTER!” I loved it. Unfortunately, Zumba is only on Monday nights, but at least I’ll have something to look forward to.

So that’s what I’ve been up to lately. I realize I haven’t talked much about work, but that’s because I haven’t been able to do a lot of stuff yet. I think they’re still trying to figure out what to do with us. But as soon as I get a real scope of work and know what it is I’m going to be doing, I’ll be sure to let you all know.

Don't worry, baby.

Well, the last 5 days or so have been a bit of a whirlwind. Mostly because I have been thrown into learning how to drive a manual car. On Saturday, I had my first professional lesson. And by lesson, I mean that the instructor sat in the passenger seat and just told me to drive. Yea. It was a bit nerve-wracking. But I was actually able to pick it up rather quickly. I only stalled a few times at traffic lights (or “robots” as they are called here in Joburg), and I even drove on the highway. I did much better than I had expected and I was feeling pretty confident by the time we finished. Then on Monday, my supervisor told me that I would be having my assessment today (Thursday) at 8 AM. Pretty much from that moment on, I was a complete wreck. It wasn’t the driving that was making me stressed out, it was the pressure I was feeling from everyone to pass the assessment. And then I started thinking about actually driving in Joburg and got even more stressed out.

Basically this whole week I’ve been a stress case. Luckily, Shannon has been able to calm me down a bit. Mostly by using Zac Efron as a stress reliever. We’ve been listening to a lot of High School Musical and Hairspray and then we watched 17 Again a few nights ago. I don’t know what it is about the Zefron, but he definitely helps with my stress levels.

Last night I decided to do one last driving lesson before my assessment this morning just so I could feel okay about everything. It did not go well. My instructor kept telling me to calm down and said, “You’re stressing yourself out and you’re making mistakes because you’re nervous.” He was totally right. But of course, once he said it I was even more stressed out. When I got home, Shannon could tell that it did not go well. So she gave me a hug and I immediately started crying. I had been holding it in for far too long so it was good to get it out. While I was crying, she made me a tuna melt and then (obviously) put on some Zefron as Link Larkin. And then after I had calmed down and eaten, we watched about 4 episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which has easily become my new favorite thing.

This morning before my assessment, I was such a huge ball of stress. Once again, I was feeling the pressure from the whole thing. But then when the assessor showed up, he could tell how nervous I was and kept telling me there was nothing to be nervous about. He was so nice and kept reassuring me as I was driving. I stalled a few times (out of nervousness) but besides that I did alright. I got 55% which I was kind of appalled by, but he told me that was average and that they were really strict and had to keep the scores low. It made me feel a little better, but I mean…really? 55%?? Whatever. All that matters is that I officially passed my assessment and am now qualified to drive in Joburg. It’s actually quite terrifying. I’m sure after a few weeks I’ll be fine.

So what’s the moral of this whole overly-dramatic and drawn out thing? Zac Efron has some serious healing powers.

Uphill battles and adventures in midwifery

Well, we are finishing up our first week at the clinic. It has been a very long week, but overall, we have learned a lot. We have been in so many different and interesting parts of the clinic and have been able to see the amazing work that is being done here. We still have one more week of “orientation” and next week is a lot of shadowing in the HIV and TB parts of the clinic. I’m sure it’s going to be very intense and eye-opening.

Yesterday I got the chance to sit in on pediatric HIV counseling. So really what I got to do was watch moms with their tiny babies either get tested for HIV or get counseling before starting their medication. The first baby I saw was about a year and nine months old and was incredibly sick with a CD4 count of around 170, which is considered very low (a healthy person has a CD4 count anywhere from 500-1500). It was heartbreaking to see such a young baby so sick, but unfortunately that’s just how life is sometimes. I also was able to sit in on a discussion about an 11-year-old girl whose CD4 count had dropped low enough to start ARVs. Basically, if your CD4 count is above 350, you can take a mono-therapy drug, but when you drop below 350 you start taking triple-therapy drugs, or ARVs. The ARVs are much more aggressive and are used to help fight off any diseases or infections that could come into the body since the immune system is compromised. You can’t help but feel awful about a girl going through so much at such a young age. The girl was with her house mother because she is an orphan and is living in a house with 8 other girls under the age of 18. It’s one of those situations where you kind of take a step back and put your life into perspective. I know I’m going to have a lot of those moments while I’m here.

Today, I got to hang out in the ante-natal clinic and shadow the nurses examining the pregnant women. I actually ended up being able to measure the moms’ stomachs, feel the baby’s head, and find the heartbeat of the babies. It was pretty amazing. I had never been in the presence of anything like that before and it was wonderful being able to have a hands-on approach to it. Sister Rachel (the nurse I was shadowing and one of our favorite people in the entire clinic) told me when I left that I was ready to be a midwife. Obviously not, but it was still nice to hear.

Shannon and I have also had some opportunities to be social this week. On Tuesday, we went out with our new friend Dillon who was friends with the BC interns from last year. We went up to the water tower near our flat and watched the sun set over the incredible view. While we were up there, some guy was filming a music video and asked us to be in it. Obviously, we said yes. Shannon then had her own starring moment, it was pretty hilarious. And then when we left, the gate had been locked so we had to squeeze through a hole in the gate. Not exactly my idea of fun. Then we met up with one of his friends in a part of town we hadn’t been to yet and had a drink. And then on Wednesday, we all went and saw a fantastic play called “Somewhere on the Border” at the Market Theatre. It was incredibly moving and the acting was amazing. Sadly though, there were probably only about 25-30 people in the entire theater. It’s absolutely a show that needs a bigger audience. But it was really nice to get out and meet new people…and to give Linda some time to herself!

Because of our lack of internet in the office (which we actually finally got!), Shannon and I have been going to the coffee shop at the bottom of the hill and then walking back up to get home. I’m not entirely sure how far the walk is, but it’s all uphill and it takes like 20-30 minutes, depending upon how lazy I am. The first time we did it, I was so embarrassed by how pathetically out of shape I’ve become. The second time wasn’t quite as bad, but that’s probably because I told Shannon to go ahead of me and I was able to just walk up slowly. Ugh. It’s pathetic, but it is what it is. I’m hoping by the time we leave I’ll be a pro at walking up that monster. But apart from how wicked it can be it’s actually a really nice walk. I just have to get my ass back in shape pronto.

That’s all for now. We’re taking professional driving lessons tomorrow, so I’m sure I’ll have stories to tell about that!

First days

Our first two days of work at the clinic have definitely been interesting. This is my fourth social work internship and just like all of the other ones, the first few days consist of a lot of awkward moments and sitting around. Fortunately, we have a two week “orientation” schedule where we go around to all of the different departments within the clinic and find out what it is they’re doing. It’s been great to see how much is done at the clinic. Today, we went to administration which is where patients first check in and pay (if they have money to pay) and then we went to vitals which is the next place patients go. There they get their BMI, blood pressure, and a TB screening. That pretty much just means that they are asked if they have been coughing, have a fever, night sweats, or if they’ve been losing weight. If they answer yes to any, then they may be sent down for a TB test. This afternoon we stopped by the pharmacy and were amazed at how many medications they have in stock. After patients have seen the doctor, they go straight to the pharmacy and are able to get their medication that day. The medication is included in the amount they were able to pay at admissions. The best thing about the clinic is that everything is in the one place. Instead of going to the doctor for a prescription and then going to a pharmacy somewhere else, patients can get everything they need in the same building. It’s pretty amazing.

We have been having a difficult time adjusting to everything and being able to sit around for long periods of time with nothing to do. It’s absolutely an American mentality that we should be doing something all the time, but it’s frustrating to feel as though you should and could be doing something helpful while you’re sitting around doing nothing. I’m sure in a couple of weeks we will be longing to get all of this free time back.

Today was the immunization day at the clinic which is when all of the kids come to get their shots for school. They haven’t had many of the immunizations for about two weeks, so it was pretty busy this morning. Shannon and I loved being surrounded by the kids. All we really wanted to do was sit and play with them. While I was surrounded by their wonderful, smiling faces, all I could think about was the HAPO kids, and more specifically Elizabeti. I kept thinking about how strange it’s going to be to go back there in four months since I haven’t been back since I left almost four years ago and that I haven’t been there since before Elizabeti’s death. I know it’s going to be incredibly hard for me to deal with it, but I’m so excited to see the rest of my kids. Although, four years later I’m sure they’re not exactly going to be kids anymore!

Last night we went out for a fantastic dinner with Linda and her sons Ross and Paul and both of their wives. Paul’s wife is a psychologist so it was great to be able to talk to her a little bit about counseling in South Africa. She gave us a great textbook to read called “HIV/AIDS: Care & Counseling.” I’m sure it’s going to be very helpful to us. I have to admit, it’s really nice having a bit of a social circle already especially because we’re already making future plans. It’s nice to have other people to talk to about what’s going on and who can shed some light on what life is like in Joburg.

Guerdine and Katherine are coming at the end of the week and Shannon and I are so excited to see them. It’ll be nice to have some more globies with us here in SA.

Driving lessons

Our first few days in Joburg have been wonderful. We have done so much running around and trying to get our lives together. We’ve been to the mall down the street three times now. The first time, Shannon and I decided to walk down there. Linda’s flat is on a huge hill, so it was definitely a workout. Plus, the walk itself was about 45 minutes altogether. It’s summer and the rainy season in South Africa right now and as we left the mall the weather started getting pretty bad. Luckily, we made it to our next shopping center just in time. As we were sitting having cake and coffee/tea, the rain started pouring down. So far, it has rained every afternoon but thankfully they have been pretty short showers. Other than that, the weather is beautiful here, sunny and 60-70 degrees. I have to say, I am very glad to be skipping out on a Boston winter this year!

The biggest stress Shannon and I have been dealing with is learning how to drive a stick shift on the opposite side of the road. For our internship, we will be provided with a car so we can sit through the awful Joburg traffic every day to and from work. Unfortunately, Shannon and I had never learned how to drive a stick shift. Linda has been an angel and was willing to take us out to get some practice. It is one of the most frustrating things I’ve ever had to learn. I thought I was doing everything right, but I just kept stalling the car. It was so embarrassing and I felt terrible about it. There is just so much that we have to take into account while driving stick here in Joburg: the gas pedal, foot brake, clutch, hand brake, stick, driving on the opposite side of the road, and the crazy drivers here. It’s going to be such a huge challenge, but Linda has been so amazingly supportive and Shannon and I have each other to get through the frustration.

One annoying thing we had to deal with was trying to get a South African SIM card. They recently (within the last year) passed a law here where you had to register your SIM card so that they could trace crimes to phone numbers. But in order to get a SIM card, you have to have ID and proof of residency. When I asked how we as visitors would get one, I was told that we would have to have a passport, a letter from Linda saying we were living in her flat, a certified stamp on that letter from the police department, and Linda’s proof of residency. Such a hassle. Once again, Linda came to the rescue and was willing to register our SIM cards under her name. I don’t foresee Shannon or I committing any crimes while here, so I think Linda will be safe. :) If you want to spend a lot of money calling/texting South Africa, let me know and I’ll get you my number. Apparently, if you have the “What’s App” app then you can text me for free. I won’t be able to respond for free, but you can still send me little nuggets of goodness!

We start at the clinic this week and I’m really looking forward to it. I’m excited to start working and knowing exactly what it is I’ll be doing during my 4 months here. I’m sure by the end of the week I’ll have more info and insight on how these 4 months are going to be. And hopefully I’ll have more exciting things to tell you about. AND, hopefully Shannon and I will be catching on to the whole stick shift thing!

Platform 9 3/4 & Joburg

Hello from Johannesburg!! Because we don’t internet access in our beautiful and amazing flat, I will most likely be writing blog entries at home and then posting them when I get the chance. In this case, I am writing this blog post on Thursday, January 12th. Shannon and I have had a long 48 hours. It all started on Tuesday afternoon at the Boston airport. We flew from Boston to London and arrived in London around 5 o’clock in the morning. Our flight to Johannesburg didn’t leave until 8:45 that night, so we spent the day exploring London. Neither of us was able to get much sleep on our flight so we were absolutely exhausted. But despite our exhaustion, we had a great time in London. We rode the tube a lot to get to many random places and we managed to spend almost no money at all. On the tube ride back to the airport, we both kept falling asleep. We were reading magazines to stay awake, but we just ended up falling asleep while reading and dropping our magazines. It was pretty hilarious. When we got to the airport, we had to find a way to spend four hours before our flight started boarding. Naturally, we walked around the gigantic terminal and went into almost every duty free shop. On our flight, we both fell asleep instantly and were able to sleep for the majority of the flight. When we arrived in Joburg, we both felt great.

And now I’m finishing this blog entry on Friday, January 13th. While I was writing this yesterday, we had turned on Dr. Oz and both found it extremely interesting, and then we both fell asleep for a little bit. So now it’s Friday! I’m going to try and not be disjointed in my blog posts like this again. Anyway, we arrived in Joburg yesterday morning and met up with Linda who is so kindly allowing us to stay in her flat while we’re here. She took us back to the flat and then we unpacked, showered, and stood on the balcony and stared out at our amazing view for far too long. Seriously though, it’s beautiful. I don’t feel like any pictures I take could really justify how incredible it is. We are so incredibly lucky to have been given this place to live by Linda and I don’t think we’re ever going to take it for granted. We feel so spoiled!



Today, I woke up at 5 AM and then attempted to fall back asleep for about 3 hours before I finally gave up and got up. Surprisingly, I’m feeling very rested and awake. I’m sure it’ll take a few more days to get totally acclimated to the time difference and everything, but we’re getting there. We’re going to walk down the huge hill that Linda lives on in a little bit and explore all of the shops that are around here. Hopefully we’ll find some internet and I’ll be able to post this entry! Tonight we’re going out with Linda, her son Ross, and his wife for Indian food. We’re both very excited to try all of the amazing food that Joburg has to offer!

We start at the clinic on Monday, and I’m sure it’s going to be really hectic and chaotic but we’re both excited to get started. I’m sure I’ll have lots of stories to tell in the coming days. Lots of love to you all!

Procrastination. As always.

So if you know me pretty much at all, you know that I am a huge procrastinator. My mother has said that if she could change one thing about me it would be my fantastic procrastination abilities. Well, that and probably the fact that when I go home my room is always a disaster. But even that is a procrastination technique I have developed. I put off cleaning my room for as long as I can. But anyway, getting back on track...

I'm leaving for South Africa in just over 24 hours. Have I packed? Of course not. Have I done all of the last minute things I need to do? Nope. Have I caught up on all of the wonderful TV programs I will be missing out on while I'm in South Africa for four months? Absolutely. Here's the thing, I've always had my priorities a little skewed. But even though that's the case, I always get everything I need to do done. In fact, I can't do things unless I'm under some kind of pressure and I always end up doing my best work under pressure. Is it a quality I pride myself on? No. Is it something I've learned to live with? Yes.

To reiterate how badly I procrastinate, this past weekend I decided to take a trip to Toronto. That's right, a few days before moving to a different country I decided to go to Canada. I went to see my buddy Matt DeAngelis in the first national tour of American Idiot. Because I'll be in South Africa, I'm missing out on the tour coming to Boston. (PS: Another thing you should know about me- I'm a huge Broadway nerd.) As I was getting ready for my trip to Toronto I kept thinking, "I should really stay here and get ready for South Africa. This is such a stupid idea. What am I doing?" But after my two days in Toronto, I can say that I definitely needed that mini-vacation. My mind is so much less stressed and I feel more prepared than I was before.

In the summer of 2008, I spent three months living and working in Tanzania. It was my first time being away from home for such a long time. The first day I got there, I remember sitting on my bed in my hut at the Salvation Army camp and thinking, "What the hell did I get myself into?" I can remember sitting there and crying because I felt as though I had made a huge mistake. But within a few days, I was so excited to be there and ready to start work. I think my time in Tanzania prepared me for the time I'll be spending in South Africa. I'm not as scared this time around as I was last time. And I also have a wonderful partner from my program, Shannon, going with me. Having that extra support is going to mean so much to me during my time in Johannesburg.

"But Lauren, you've written an entire blog post about procrastinating and things that really don't matter and you haven't even told us what you're doing" is probably what you're thinking right now. Well, I'm currently in my last semester as a Global Practice student in the Graduate School of Social Work at Boston College. During our time at BC, our (fabulous!) cohort has taken classes revolving around international social work. Basically, we know the UN Millennium Development Goals like the back of our hands. But we also had discussions about human rights, social justice, and how to translate social work principles into work in other countries. During the last semester of the Global Practice program, students are set up with internships in foreign countries to get a hands-on experience of what it's like to be an international social worker. My time this semester will be spent in Johannesburg, South Africa. So let me give you a little bit of info, because in all honesty I'm still not 100% sure what I'll be doing. Shannon and I will both be working for an organization called Right to Care in a multi-disciplinary clinic. From what I have been told, I will be working as an HIV and Tuberculosis counselor. Before you ask, I'm still not sure what all that will entail. I am assuming a lot of case management and maybe some type of "therapy." I may also be working with the Orphans and Vulnerable Children (OVC) unit which would be great because that's the kind of work I did in Tanzania. I know that I'm not offering up a lot of details, but I promise to let you know more once I find out more.

I am going to try very hard to keep up with this blog while I am in Joburg. Shannon also has a blog so maybe we'll be able to encourage each other to write. But now I should really go and get ready. The next time I write to you will be when I'm in Johannesburg!